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In the interests of stimulating
debate on a matter of national importance to Britain, my advisers have suggested that a
private communication with our esteemed Chancellor, Gideon Oliver Osborne, should now
be made public.
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Dear Chancellor,
One can only share your
perturbation at the decision of the House of Lords to reject your plan to
remove from the pockets of the poor a large share of their income. However,
your ingenious scheme to lower their state subsidies and so to encourage them
to work harder has unfortunately overlooked something. I must say that I was
surprised by this omission. The very essence of your policy is to improve the
lot of ‘hard working families’. But, despite the aforesaid objective, you have
failed to see that it contains within its own title the solution to the problem
at hand, namely how to save £4.5 billion from the public purse.
To make my opinion plain, I
wholeheartedly agree that such a saving will help right the ship of state in
the world’s stormy seas. Nevertheless, the point I must raise is that not all
members of such families are actually ‘hard working’ and will not become so
within the current parliamentary term, despite your proposed measures. I do not
propose myself as a paragon of virtue in the respect of being hard working,
since my real estate advisers inform me that my property assets have been
working harder than I have in recent years to earn an honest income. However, I
must point out how much more indolent, even than your humble servant, are those
members of families that do not work at all for their daily
bread! Of course, the most flagrant examples I must bring to your attention are
those called ‘children’.
It is well known that these
creatures can wreak havoc in neat and tidy homes; they eat and drink – but
often cannot use a WC; they are foolish in their conversation and prone to
believing in ridiculous absurdities such as ‘fairness’ and ‘sharing’;[1]
they are calculated to cost the country many times what you have attempted to
save in your tax credit policy, simply in the costs of their schooling and
medical care! How can this evident fact have been ignored by your policy
proposals?
Such a damaging, debilitating
burden of children on the country must be removed! Doubtless, this will be seen
as a too-radical policy measure, since not all have begun to see the advantages
of dogs to overcome their isolation. Many seem to favour these unreasonably
more expensive ‘human’ animals. But that is where a strong, clear-headed policy
maker can win the day and lead the nation!
May the Good Lord help you to
see a way out of your impasse, and I humbly submit to you my considered
thoughts on this matter.
With all joy deserved, and
wishing you an exquisite Poll-tax moment,
Yours sincerely,
Jonathan Swift[2]
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